Lalalalala

Oct. 4 Wed. 5:40am ROCKSTAR GUM

Watching the sunrise.

Pulled an all nighter.

Poor Jhanvi.

Offerred to go study in the common room, but she said it was ok. Still feel bad.

Actually, I just left and went to the common room cos once I started typing I felt really obnoxious.

I didn’t think I was going to be up all night, but I was.

I’m studying for a history of film test. I didn’t do any of the reading and had barely any notes, so that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing all night. As usual, I saved everything till the last minute, but I’m really fine with it. Might be that I’m running on Rockstar gum. Pretty effective stuff. I think I have enough pieces to last me through the rest of the day. I just hope that by the time the test rolls around at 4 I won’t be a complete puddle of drool, begging for sleep. I’ll just keep popping gum…

I’m going to make myself so sick. I’ll just have to go home and nap as soon as I get home…but then I’ll wake up for the Tarantino film, of course. That’s my problem, only I don’t really think it’s a problem. I like fun too much. I will sacrifice practicality for fun. I’m a pretty happy person though, so it must be k.

Anyways, I’ve actually been keeping another “Tumblr”, a private “Tumblr”. I follow no one so that no one will follow me. And all I’ve been doing everyday, or almost everyday is writing, just free writing for 20-60 minutes. It was one of my personal goals, just like exercising and eating healthy and getting enough sleep (LOL. I literally have a piece of paper on my wall by my bed that says Hours of Sleep per Night and then I list the hours I get and then every once and a while I average them up to make sure I’m not severely sleep deprived. I have to say, I’ve been putting effort in, but apparently I need a lot more effort because I was only averaging 6.8 hours of sleep per night, and that was BEFORE I pulled this shit. Ahh, I’m wrecking havoc on my heath. I’m really good at saying things and not doing them. But I’m actually getting better at doing things, which is good.) Oh, yeah, so anyway, I was thinking about just doing my personal journaling or whatever on here, because I like the pictures and feel like the pictures have a lot to do with “where I am” and all too, so it would be nice and more organized and stuff. Only thing is, now I have to worry about some of the stuff I want to write about is really ok to write about on the public internet. Oh, well, I’ll just proceed fearlessly, as usual, and try to monitor myself. This could either be really embarrassing or people could get really mad at me. I don’t want to have to start making code names cos that’s going to get really confusing. I’m conflicted. Anyway, I don’t have to worry about that right now because there isn’t anyone I hate as of this moment to write bad things about.

Another thing is now I have to worry about typos and grammar and generally looking like an idiot since potentially people could now be reading the things I post. Before I just knew I had a ton of typos, but I didn’t care and I only haphazardly fixed them because the whole “point of journaling” was to just “let it go” and “not be so neurotic, for once”. So this may not be so productive in the sense that it may encourage me to go back to my neurotic tendencies, but I’m going to give it a go, regardless.

I just had a thought. This is going to be a problem, because sometimes I have less than flattering things to say about people even though I like them and also I’m well aware of the fact that just because something is your experience doesn’t mean it isn’t someone else’s experience to, which means you don’t have the liscence to just go spilling your guts everywhere because they could be someone else’s guts too. So yes, this is going to get tricky. I suppose I’ll just proceed with caution and if I have anything that I’m spectacularly skeptical about, I’ll just resort to the other blog. But then things won’t be in order. This really is a mess. Then again, so is all of life.

Oh yeah, so what am I doing right now I should be studying right. Wrong. I have been studying, give me a break. I am running on the exuse that this is my journaling for the day. But then if I’m going to commit to this that means I also have to commit to going to the gym which will mean no nap, fuck me. So many problems. I think too much.

So I suppose I’m in a state of Rockstar gum induced mania. I feel dreary but sharp at the same time, it’s weird. I just hope I don’t lose my cognitive abilities by 4. I also really want brownies and frozen yogurt and it’s like 6 in the morning. I have a serious sugar addiction. Yet another thing I’m working on.

A few hours ago, before it got light out, I found myself in front of our communal mirror crying to my mother. I had gotten up to go to the bathroom and get a drink of water. But things like this happen when you’re a crazy person. The truth is, I am just pent up with volatile emotions yadda yadda yadda yadda. Anyways, this is when things get really personal and I wonder if I should proceed or if I’m about to do some sort of damage and if people actually read this, which they probably don’t but it still makes me a bit nervous, do I really even want them knowing my business, anyway? Now I’m hungry. I really shouldn’t be because I had about 4000 calories yesterday. I know you don’t believe me. People have a tendency to not believe me when I tell them how much I’ve eaten but nope, I really did eat that much, you fools. I have gained like 5 pounds since I’ve been here so I probably need to watch it a little.

Anyways, I won’t get into why I was crying into the mirror at my mother because all of the sudden I’m feeling a little guarded and a little less cognitive than before which gets me worried because I still have a lot of work to do. Anyway. This has been productive. I think.